Both hands trembles as I remembered the cold love memories
Now it is getting weirder, I dont wish to reject you, but I just know that
No matter how close we are, I know that I cant love you anymore
I cant miss you; waiting for you makes me tired
I cant endure anymore and I cant realize this

The name I loved once in this life


You can tell or nag me how million times I've told myself and ain't me getting sick of myself and I can tell yes I am. I find million reason to love you and I know I will. 
I just hope you can do anything that it makes you happier.
I hope you won't repeat the same mistakes. 
Hope for a better tomorrow. =)

Try me , You will know I am the psycho one. =)

How smart a person can be , will never be smart when comes to love. Don't be naive , don't be blinded.
I am once blinded and I will never allow myself to fall into these again . Though how many thousand times I've been saying and telling, I will still telling the same old thing. Bored . I know. I hate NOW , where I can choose not to push and trying too hard , still I will try my best in everything I can to make everyone who I love to be happy , I left very little time. The most important thing , I want everybody to be happy, as long you happy I'm happy. Enough. I've tried all I can, and I can't see why choose being pathetic over the same old thing . But I can't help it. Just because I'm stubborn? I don't know.
I count down everyday , this prove how time important to me that I can't waste even a second as I want to spend my time to whom I cherish Friends like family, family and to who I care. Cry isn't help at all. I've been crying all the time,is there someone to offer a tissue paper and get ready their pair of ears to listen me. I admit I'm such a failure when come to handle stress. WTH I can't take the pressure and I've been worry too much all the time. Spare me if there is something bad which spoil my day. I am no shame to show my ugly face with swollen eyes and dark circles due to my lack of rest and insomnia . Everyday a cup or two is no longer really effective on me, it can only last for 4 ~5 hour . Is there anyone know where to get Morphine? I advise people not to rely on caffeine but I always did.WTH . Everything it happen for the reason behind. =S I'm sorry to say I have no time for all these,no idea for how long it takes to stop it , having insomnia really affects my physical and mentally.  Spare me, really. I believe as long I did the right thing ,right way, right thoughts and right time. One day, everything will be fine, where god is looking after me. I believe I'll be fine and I'll get what I deserve at last. I don't ask for more, I want to live as a good person , a human. I will do my best in everything I can without rely on anyone out there ,but still I really appreciate for those friends who loves me and I love you guys too because I see people through heart but not eyes. Cheers~

For the time being I should carry on and looking forward for my another turning point of my life which where I'll leave the past behind at my home country and prioritize the importance till the day I come back and settle down with my satisfactory appetite and things I want . Without fail I am definitely waiting for the promises in 5 years time. I doubt but I choose to believe in you giving our self more time to fight for our dreams and goals. =) Like I always told , you can't predict what is going to happen in a sec time and things in life can be change dramatically without you notice it  .For now,I'm still facing dilemma,confusion and I don't know when I'll stop it but all I want is to see in my life is learn to see different point of view , learn from others , learn from experience , learn from the environment around me , learn to be a better self. I will never stop improving myself . I promise that I will be someone who dare to dream and achieve my WTH dreams though I am still not sure about my future planning. I know I've been pushing myself too hard till I've not been sleeping well but I'll not regret.At least one day if I die , till the last minute of my life , I want to contribute everything that I can afford and my very best in everything to anyone who involved in my life, that I precious so much , and dear to me. I pray god to guide me and lead me to a better person that I will and can be bring hope and happiness to people around me by my pair of hands. =)

Thanks god and thanks for the pray to my thumb, after 50 days of dressing and protection.My thumb healed!  Even a specialist told I will not have back my thumb like usual still I am so glad that finally I can showered without covering it with dressing and avoid from the dressing get wet also prevent from getting infection.

Here as I promise, I will post up the look of my thumb before and after! =D 

Whoever is reading the post now, can leave this page before vomit out their lunch or faint * I exaggerate . Lol. 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.Ready?!

.

.

.

.

.

.

Yeah , and there goes 14 days and 50 days process!! 

Thank you for everyone who do dressing , pray for me and lighten my burden due to my time of suffered.  

Though it looks like not much different from normal , I don't want to be so particular by telling : ''no la~ still cacat''. At least , it looks better that nothing and I realize how important my thumb play a role in my life! Lol. 

WTH!! I feel so grateful after all.. =)

Back to December =')

I'm so glad you made time to see me

How's life, tell me how's your family

I haven't seen them in a while

You've been good, busier then ever

We small talk, work and the weather

Your guard is up and I know why

'Cause the last time you saw me

Is still burned in the back of your mind

You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride,

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I'd go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right

I go back to December all the time

These days I haven't been sleeping

Staying up playing back myself leaving

When your birthday passed and I didn't call

And I think about summer, all the beautiful times

I watched you laughing from the passenger side and,

Realized I loved you in the fall

And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind

You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride,

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I'd go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind

I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right

And how you held me in your arms that September night,

The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking

Probably mindless dreaming

If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't

So if the chain is on your door, I understand

But this is me swallowing my pride,

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I'd go back to December

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright

I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind

I go back to December all the time

All the time

*Its really speak of me? You think so?  M.E

Nerves on me

Today is going to be my last working night in this hospital. No doubt, I did what I can in the limited of time. Hoping I have the strength to carry out my work with no error. I slept only 3 hour and I try to sleep but I can't. Having insomnia for my last night ,damn, WTH. Been thinking about so many thing,can't be solve, place aside ....Non stop repeating... *to be continue

11 Dec 2010

Went out with Pui yan and Gwynne for breakfast , had curry mee from penang introduce by Pui yan. Then heading to Summit and walk for awhile. Brought our favourite tibits and lepak.. Alvina couldn't make it this time,but I'm sure we will definately find another day to hang out together. Love you guys. =)

Gywnne Kong , Alvina Ho and Bobby Lee . I start missing you all... 

I counted, Almost 10 years of friendship , though everyone of us is on the different direction , different goal and dreams . Things we've been through will never be forgotten . Our friendship still strong . We support each other when who ever is not around. There many things happened , no matter how bad it is we are still who we are and we will still good friends . At least , I believe . Nothing can really change us , especially me myself. I just want to be myself , be who I want to be . Alvina, I always believe you will find someone who loves you more.You deserve so much , and you had taught me to be brave and love myself more. You had taught me how to improve myself. Gwynne, you are pretty and please be more confident in yourself and ,you have so many positive in you that I really admire .I can feel how much sacrifice in you to your family,especially your dear sister. I really envy that. You are going to be a great wife! Yan , you know that we use to hang on the phone more than 4 hours a day , hang out together so countless time.You have confidence in yourself and I know you can achieve something when you want it to be achieved. You have a goal , and so I believe you'll back with great achievement in future. =) 

Girls, you have no idea how much love I want to express it out but erm..spare me that la huh.. I don't want to tear later as you girls know I'm a cry baby . Lol. Really, I started to miss you all already. Especially you girls. ='(

Count Down , I left very little time . God , please give me the power to complete my tasks. Amen. 

Letting Go

I read this post from a blogger and I really love the post and I would like to share with my friend who read my blog.=) It is definitely speaks for how I'm feeling.

To let go is not to forget, not think about or ignore. It does not leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regrets.

Letting go is not about winning or losing. It is not about pride or about how you appear. It is not obsessing or dwelling on the past.

Letting go is not blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts and does not leave emptiness, hurt or sadness. It is not giving in nor giving up.

Letting go is not about loss and it is not about defeat.

To let go is to cherish memories, to overcome and to move on. It is learning, experiencing, and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, cry and grow.

It is about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you soon will gain. It is about the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is realizing your heart can be the most patient remedy.

To let go is to open a door, clear a path and set yourself free.

408 Days

For the 1st and the last time I calculate the days we been through .
No doubt I miss you dearly. It is just a simple thought in my mind .
No matter how things turn badly between us , I believe time can really help.
You , Take good care of yourself .
I'll be always be there for you when you need me.
Even how selfish you are,still you are who I know from the beginning.
Huge eye with obvious wrinkles, wide forehead , silly smile and cheerful laugh and a habits of pealing your thumb skin on your right hand.

-Me ,stay strong and tough for '365'-

Frustration

I am highly frustrated with myself for not being able manage to bare with the pain of my lost and I am depressed with the imperfection of my thumb for not being able to be like NORMAL that I used to be anymore.

The stress that I've put on myself with perfection in work also driving me crazy on and off ,working with some people is really putting me on fire which I know at the end of the day I can't blame and expect them to be like me.

I clearly knowing myself that I am a workaholic which I never allow to let others to pamper me when I am able to finish my job scope within my ability. I demand and ridiculously insane hope which I desperately wanted to have more hands like an octopus to complete my work in within a short period of time. People might not understand why I had the frustration inside me which they do not consider that we nurses got to be multitask and multipurpose in many way. People now are spoilt for choice, more affluent , want value for money ,want fast and efficient service , higher expectations , more aware of rights , more fussy and demanding ,more educated and well informed. How can we able to make them or us as a customer to be considerate in many aspect?

I am not desperate for the income or even bother much about the low salary because I believe working a job which I love and satisfaction are really important . I am a person like these.How do I form a team which helpful and having a good and efficient team work?

I am frustrated with myself not able to cope with the work stress which not only need to deal with patient also Doctors , colleague , staff from many department, patient's relatives and many more.All these can be easily affected me when it came to be wrong or mistake in documentation, passing over, verbal order , supply , timing, route , where , when , why , who ,  queries from people and work ethics from others staff. A friend of mine told I am a perfectionist. In other way, I am quite flexible with many things. I doubt to agree what she told.Can I be corrected and choose to accept the fact and true me?

Is either I am stubborn , ego , or I would just say all this make me who I am. It is just I am who I am. =/

I wish I could have more time , not me chasing over time nor time chasing over me.

Worth or not . I think yes is my answer and don't question me why because it is just like that. I am sorry for putting my friend and family in worried. Can't wait till a day I am able to be more independent and wish I were not letting them to worry for me anymore. I apologize . 

I am please with this song and really deep in love with the lyric and voice. Share with people who interested yeah. =) 

Cheers! 

  Yesterday woke up at the wrong side of bed, shit. Can't sleep well , my relatives around and noises from people walking in and out .Felt so sleepy and drowsy, who cares. I went out with Stephen for breakfast and then picked up Gwynne for shopping after so long we have not been hanging around. Alvina's exam is around,I think shouldn't disturb her till she is free for me. =) I do enjoy walking at the Bazaar at the curve which I've not been there for quite some time , last time always go there with either Alvina, Gwynne or Bobby .Really missing it a lot, I'm afraid we don't have the chance to gather again like we use to be. Everyone seem to start with their life planning and all and me is leaving soon. Feel sad :'(

 We manage to capture some picture , so much fun!

Gwynne told I look like ''Kampung girl'' and she can't take it . Lol.  
Come on, it is only a wig ~ Don't ever think about me getting this hair cut! Hell no. 

* Me as well okay..shut up and stop laughing!! =p

 Always ours favourite, Kenny Roger's and the EXTRA gravy!! hehe...

I love the potatoes~~ yummy! 

  Unexpectedly, I didn't manage to rest even though I came back from outing with Gwynne , then woke up from a bad nap and slept by 2am. According to the schedule, I should do Double shift today but then cancel because I don't think I am fit to work for another extra 7 hours since I've not rest well for the past few day even my rest day is on yesterday and having a bad headache and feeling nausea is really sucks. What is really turn my my mood off, can't expect anyone in my family member can pick me up from work so they ask me to take a cab and go back home. Luckily one of my colleague is staying at Klang is kind enough to drop me at the guard house. Then walk home in 10 minute under the bloody hot sun and I though it would be great if I manage to cook Korea noodle + half boiled egg + luncheon meat = Great brunch once I get home, since I've only taken oatmeal drink mix by my mom from morning. So now, there comes the terrible accident , I took out the frozen luncheon meat from freezer and took a butcher knife and start CHOPPING the meat, there goes when someone is unwell and conscious level dropping , quarter of my thumb gone case! Literally. Damn!! WTH. 

  Okay , lets rewind back ,pause for the 2 second. Yeah , I was stunned *dumb ass . I shouted like hell ,tears out uncontrollably and there goes my blood flowed like slow running water pipe, Damn! I was fast enough to catch my blood with the basin beside me. Quickly place my thumb and run under the water and scream for my brother. Mean while, I give myself a immediate pressure to stop the bleed.

  He is shock when he saw the scence and was like, ''what happened? '' , '' call ambulance?'' ,'' we have no transport,how?'',''where to get ambulance number?'' . Then I shout : ''take the plastic bag!'' ,''take ice!'' ,''place the ice into the plastic bag'' ,then he replied with shivering voices : '' where is the ice?! '' Then I was like thinking in my heart and almost about to shout back and told him :'' WTH!! fridge!! don't tell me you don't know.'' luckily he is fast enough to calm down and took the ice automatically from the freezer. Lol even I'm writing now. Recall the incident is so funny and mess up. First time I saw my COOL and CALM brother cannot control his nerve, nervous till the max like I am going to die anytime soon. *Cut short the story in between how manage to get people and all . My mom's friend aunty Ammie reach on time and bring me to the near by clinic and I receive ATT and did an emergency dressing .I ask Dr not to give me another injection of pain killer which I don't like to be inject twice and yeah , stubborn me think I am a heroine who can bear with the WTF pain.Keke.. *Not proud to tell but just find myself quite bearable. lol . Nothing I can do with my LOST piece of flesh and quarter of my thumb and nail. I ask the clinic nurse to dispose my flesh and the handkerchief which full of blood . It is not necessary to presume it since It can actually make my mom faint once she saw that. I try to control my tears, but it is so painful that I can't even bare with the pain compared while the time I did tatoo till bleed on my ''thinner'' skin . Yeah , shameful. *Sigh. 

  There goes Dr clean my wound with alcohol and wrap with acriflavin then cover with gauze and did a pressure dressing... Tadah!! I ask her to prescribe me antibiotic since I'm afraid I got infected and have to go through with the fever and weakness, spare me with all these which put me in risk and will affect my work. I am so sad that my parents is not around and worried I might not have back a NORMAL thumb and affect my performance in working. Luckily no bones involved, just super deep gone case with quarter of my flesh and end up I have to accept the impair of myself. No worries, everything will be fine , worse come to worst go do plastic surgery lo!! hahaha!!  Thank you for my brother and friend who advise and try hard to cheer me up when I deeply in pain and depress with the whole accident. Sorry that I've make my family worried about me. Thankful I am a nurse that I know how to manage when comes to emergency incident ,especially to myself. I can take care of myself. =)

 I am worried that I am not able to cook due to phobia with knife. =(

 Ponstan to help stop bleeding and it is a strong oral tablet to ease unbearable pain like menses pain and others factor , another one is the antibiotic that I asked Dr to prescribe for me to prevent from getting infection. Lol!! 10 Day courses!! Arghh...sien. =.=

Hope I am manage to feed myself with lots of protein and heal before my cousin and relatives come in 2~3 weeks time. Pray hard for me!! I need to take rest now. =) Night peeps! Happy Belated Halloween Day~ Its really a GREAT day. haha!

With love,
-Michelle-
Happy 1st November~ xoxo

Me and October

SO TRUE, you will never know what is going to happen for the next second or minute. Even if you are asleep or you are sitting at the toilet bowl in the toilet. Some unexpected things will just appears and caught your attention, this happened to me for the past two days. I am glad and I would tell I've made myself occupied enough to not even have time to iron my clothes and read my favourite books or even catch up with my dear friends. Uncertainty, it have not ever disappears from my mind even a second. I can't imagine what and where I will be the next day ,month or next year.

Nonetheless, I am happy for my decision to further my career in Singapore soon and pathetic to tell there is really no reason I should doubt my decision. I am sorry. I regret for once in my life had make ''tracking'' to someone who I think I can't afford to lost it and Cherish like a gold, lost my opportunities which I can actually step early in to a foreign country.Lastly, I am blinded and thing just don't goes my way like I though it will be. Many people who know me, clearly knowing I am a explorer who love to travel and looking forward to move out from my house. I am such an ASS. I got so many hundred millions reason to stay back but I think is best for me to leave, not only for my own good to become stronger , more independently and mature . Some way, is better for my family as well. I'm sure , we will be closer every each time I came back later. =S

NEVER is a strong word, she told. Yeah, I agree. Even if you ask me to think twice or million times I will still stick with the same bloody answer. Once I had made a decision, I shouldn't look back. Should I tell I'm stubborn or just being selfish? Hrmp, let you decide and let me know.Thank you to my family and friends who support my decision and the moral support from you all had never fail to allow me to do what I like. Yet, till now,I tears in the middle night. I felt I'm blessed. Thanks GOD. Life is up and down as I always told. Whether you can take it and handle it well or not, choice is yours. You choose the right one, yeah you are right. If you choose the wrong one, you just like a piece of glass, need to be fix with SUPER glue. There goes your SUPER glue is all the lucky, love and blessed from others who care and never give up on you, family and friends.Don't give up , no matter how long it takes, you will find your way and one day when you look back and you'll just realise ,you had grown up.

Long story short bah... Other that busy with working like an octopus , I am glad that I make it for my colleague wedding at Tapah yet first time in my life had drove 180km to a unfamiliar places and also attend the an Indian's wedding. Feel like 1Malaysia. haha! Lame. I wish I can attend my good friend Ezzaty's wedding next year which I can't make it for her engagement this year because it crash with my Grandfather 83's birthday. All the relatives and cousin will be around, and as a ''tradision'' Chinese family. Grandchildren shouldn't escape it.There is not many year left for us family to gather like this. I don't want to make any regret anymore.

This year I didn't make any wishes on my birthday because though I did for last 2 year, I went through a sad year wei... WTH. What I can do for these moment, do all the best I can and please the important people who involved in my life. =)
Can't wait for November to come, I will busy occupied myself with work and plan as my cousin and relative is coming. Till then, I'll update myself again.

- Chocolate -

He look so adorable yet innocent after I showered him, my lovely smart boy.

WITH LOVES

Hello again blog, I've put blogging aside since the last post and have been wondering when will I update the blog. I do not like to give excuses but the truth is, I had a very busy weekend and day due to my working schedule, and important tasks that I want to be completed. This period of time isn't easy for me as I tried my best to be physically strong and hope that my body can cope with my mental stress. Friends who know me well, will say that I am a workaholic. I feel sorry for myself. :(

My life has changed so drastically since last year. Couldn't imagine its going to be a year after since the day it started. Today, I view thing differently, as least I think I became stronger , love myself more. Just put it this way , I am no longer so innocent as I use to be. Till today, I see people by my own eyes and will never change my perspective unless I been convince and given prove. Isn't this a little change in
me?

I am blessed. At least when I am down and depressed, I have good friends around me who volunteer their pair of ears and give me their opinions and advices. I'm 22 years and 4 day old, should I convince myself to accept the fact that time has flown really fast that whenever I look back, I will think, "oh, so damn fast!"

I'm pleased that I have family and friends who care and love me. There's nothing more that I can ask for. I know what should be prioritised at this moment and I pray hard that life will bring me more challenges and that I will have the strength to improve myself through the obstacles that I am about to face. Thank you to all of you, and I promise that I will try my best to make you guys proud of me. It's been awhile since I've not posted any picture of mine. Why not share it?!

# Chocolate mint Ice cream cake from Baskin Robin

*Thank you Nisa and beloved Charmaine for this cake,card and flowers. -Hugs-

# Thank you Stephen , Jin tat and especially Andy . : )

# Love my girlfriends so much!

Alvina,Wendy,Stephenie and Gwynne

#Having so much fun spending surprise dinner with them at Daeroe Korea BBQ!

Thank you guys!!!

# Again , another surprise from them after 12 midnight~

I feel so touch and I do not know how to put my word into sentences, it is an unexpected surprise.

# Combination of white and sweet pink roses from somebody who don't like to be revealed. :)

I really love and appreciate the efforts and thoughts you've made.I hope you know.

# The shipping is finally here after 1 month plus! Thanks Erik Moh! Muaks!!

A late birthday present from London and I thought I need to wait for another month.. hehe

#Edwin's Tay

You have no idea, you had impressed me that you never fail to wish me every single year when you started knowing me. Really appreciate the friendship between us! =)

Before I end this post , just wanted to add-on for people who wish me on call, messages,wall . I had a simple dinner yet warm dinner with my beloved family .Thank you very much! T.T
p/s: I also receive a warm gift from Angele , and I promise will take good care of myself. =)

Loves,

Michelle -xoxo-

Turning Point

  The day started with a morning buzz from the phone and I realised someone had left for an interview. So, I left a message and went to the toilet and stoned for awhile till my soul came back to me. I changed and picked up the car keys and went to the nearby hypermarket as planned. Surprise surprise, only one of the coffee shops was opened and there were a few people in uniforms who walked slowly towards the escalator. With my morning mood, I walked like a snail towards the main entrance as the shutter was slowly rising. Yes, I was the first customer of the day. The staff was polite and greeted me. I paid for the groceries and got home by 10.15 a.m., the whole trip took me about 45 minutes.
  Then I spent some time chatting with her and finally did some housework since coming back from a holiday. Time passed really fast as I wished and I noticed that I have not been blogging since the 26th of September. I questioned myself, "What did I do after the last post?" I have been to and back from a short holiday, continued on with my crazy working life with tonnes of workload, I've been going through a period of emotional ups and downs and was challenged both physically and mentally.
  With regard to my family, my dear brother has recently got back from the UK where he studied and his Europe trip. He has been busy with his plans and life challenges too. Recently, his friend passed away due to leukemia and he has been quite upset about it. Somehow, I'm glad that he has such a gentle and polite girlfriend who is support of him. Also, my baby has grown healthy and smarter, and still very much loyal towards me even though I have been busy with my own activities. Dad has been flying in and out of the country due to his job and my mom had confessed to me that I'm such an ass and a terrible daughter who does not open up to my family. Yeah, I will not give her the reason that its due to my childhood life. What is the past is the past. Nonetheless, she knew that I went through a phase of mental depression and advised me to consult a psychologist if I think I am unable to handle my emotions. I do know that my family cares about me and therefore I expect nothing of them eversince I started my career and working towards my own goals. The only thing I hope from both my parents is that they do not worry about me. So, enough about family, back to myself.

  At 12 noon, I had cleaned my room, tidied my books, washed the air-conditioner filter, took out the trash and swept the floor. I received a call from a non-familiar number. So I answered the call with a question mark in my head. Finally, it is the call that I have been waiting for so long. My license has finally been approved by the Singapore Nursing Board and they want me to start work in November. I was like WTH, I was stunned and my mind went blank. After the brief call ended, I continued to arrange things in my room and went for a shower. I was surprised at my response which was chilled and calm.
  I am so tired to even think of anything due to the lack of sleep and carbohydrate. I have not been eating well these days. There is so much uncertainty and dilemmas in my mind, such as the future planning and the feeling of sadness of leaving my dear family, friends and home country. Till then, I will update after some of my queries are answered.

Finally

All of our memories so close to me

Just fade away

You were all the things I thought I knew

And I thought we could be

But we lost it

Understand life is not every happy ending

I don't expect anything anymore

Somehow , I need to move my step, without looking back, walk my way and start all over again

The chapter is close, flipping to the new page 730.

Count Down day 4

Have no idea why is it some words or thought is so difficult to spit out from my mouth.
Should I step out or should I stay at the current position.
I am in the dilemma.
It seem swallow and digest it is a problem to me.
What can I do to make everyone feel better ?
I need support and time to figure it out.

Don't judge people from their appearance , you will never be the brain worm who know what others thinking.
4 day left , what am I still waiting for?
...... *Silent

Count Down 9 Days

still me,

who cannot sleep due to an overdose of thoughts in my mind
who struggle in dreams and woke up in tears
I am mad, mad at myself for making us to what we have become

You are selfish, it is so much easier for you to plot and make the story come to an end
This feeling too affectionate, that not even a thousand words can describe
It is too painful for me to even want it to come across my mind
words screaming in my head
If i could have one wish, I wish you were here
I'm torn apart inside, I hate this feeling

I promise that sooner or later I will put a smile on my face

Count Down 16 days.

 A disappointing fall
Knowing all people make mistakes, can you accept yourself making the same mistake again?
Whenever people say past is a past , will you allow it to delete from your memories?
I see everything through my eyes, hear everything through my ears but I see no you, hear no you.
Everyday without fail I remind myself the same old thing, but the old thing came along to my dream.
Again , there is only way and only chance I can meet you in the dream and it is contradicting that what I say may not be what I mean.
I am tired of myself not doing good enough
Giving myself reason not to think
Can't breathe easy , hectically
It is just so much easier if I keep it to myself
Well , that's alright because I like the way its hurts

Where are you?

釋懷說了太多就成真不了  
情緒莫名的拉扯 我還愛妳呢
那些愛過的感覺都太深刻 我都還記得
我们說好的 幸福呢
你要離開　我知道很簡單　你說依賴　是我們的阻礙
就算放開　但能不能別沒收我的愛　當作我最後才明白

Count Down 19 days

I went to the room , on the light look around.
I saw a new painted colour and design wall by you.
Remember how long I've not step in to your room.
Images flash back into my mind and words you ask me to remember.
I'm here but you isn't there.
5 sec is like 5 min , I feel so long staring at it.
Your laughter allows me to think you are doing fine and happy at the moment.
Allow me to think you had forgotten about me.

It seem I have to drink and get sleep tonight.
I rest on the bed, hold my pillow as tight as possible.
I'm afraid.

Count down 27days

Last night I dreamed about you smiling to me,holding my hand,laughing as usual you.
I wish it is not a dream when I woke up from sleep , the disappointment fall ,and this is how I felt.
Deep pain inside me has not subside, and I wish you are doing great in your own way.
I woke from a restless sleep, shut my eyes as hard as I can as I raced to recall the last image of you in the dream I floated in with you.
A flitting image of me grabbing your cold delicate hand and putting it to my heart. My heart pounding harder than the last, knowing that the nature of the situation is only temporary. Not wanting you to fade into the reality when my eyes open, I stole a kiss from you.
My tears flowing down my cheek, tears evaporating before they can touch the clouds below us. You touched my face, told me everything will be fine. I fought back, knowing a promise is a dream is an empty one. Your fingers slipping away from mine as consciousness separated the both of us.I knew, it may not be the best for the both of us, but it was the best for you.I let you go against my will.
And I beg myself I'll not dream and tears for you anymore, as I can't bare the lost of you.

雨

不停落下来
花

怎么都不开

尽管我细心灌溉

你说不爱就不爱

我一个人

欣赏悲哀

爱

只剩下无奈

我

一直不愿再去猜

钢琴上黑键之间

永远都夹着空白

缺了一块

就不精采

紧紧相依的心如何

Say goodbye

你比我清楚还要我说明白

爱太深会让人疯狂的勇敢

我用背叛自己

完成你的期盼

把手放开不问一句

Say goodbye

当作最后一次对你的溺爱

冷冷清清淡淡今后都不管

只要你能愉快

Its weird when you want to say something to someone but the word don't come out from your lips.
you feel the pain inside you and you know yourself shouldn't feel this way.
you tell yourself to smile and you know deep inside you are crying.
can I disappear for awhile?

Its quite fully occupied now a day.

• 
  
  Food

 I miss my baked potatoes with corned beef from F&O . Craving for that , and auntie from Summit who every time I went and visit also get a lot of junk food from her place. Her sour and sweet plum is damn fresh compare other places.

• 
  
  Plan

Been doing a lot of survey about study oversea and also reading. I doubt can pass the IELTS test and I am not willing to pay RM550 to repeat the test if I fail. Better get myself fully prepare. : ) I like the idea going out to a new unfamiliar place with my colleague and also spend some time with my precious good friend. Life is just like that, as I think I still consider young, should play and work till the maximum!

• 
  
  Daily routine

Work like a mad cow still my weight maintain. =.= But I need a lot of $$ !

• 
  
  Time

I should spend more time for my baby who always waiting for me to come home.I'll shower him tomorrow. hehe!!  Hippo. get well soon =)

• 
  
  Goal

Be a better person! Do the best as I can!
Go holiday !!

One foot on the bus

Bout half past nine
I knew that you were leaving this time
I thought about laying down in its path
Thinking that you might get off for that

I remember that night we laid in bed
Naming all our kids that we hadn't had yet
One for your grandma and one for mine
Said we'd draw straws when it came time
I'll move on baby just like you

When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need her moon
It'll break my heart but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you

I bet all I had on a thing called love
Guess in the end it wasn't enough
And it's hard to watch you leave right now
I'm gonna have to let you go somehow
Somehow

我想你已表現的非常明白
我懂我也知道
你沒有捨不得

你說你也會難過我不相信
牽著你陪著 我也只是曾經
希望他是真的比我還要愛你
我才會逼自己離開
為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過
不用擔心的太多
我會一直好好過
我愛的
想要放　
放不掉

你的笑　
你的好　
腦海裡　
一直在繞我的手　
忘不了　

看不到我假裝過去不重要
我會學著放棄你
是因為我太愛你

Poor forest mother broke her leg because bitten by Chocolate. ;'(

Hanging with my lady white phone, so ugly and yet adorable. Owh...

Favourite snack after all day long

Been snacking a lot now a day, and where is my diet plan?

My table , haha!! Messy messy....

News paper , bible story , cleo , comics , note book will never fail to be on my table.

This afternoon went out with Gwynne and Alvina.

Heading to the curve.

Makan Ikea food .

Watch sorcerer's apprentice.

My baby boy... So Emo there...

Alarm

Something I really afraid of, being sick . Sick is the most terrible experience that I do not like to experience and at this moment I feel so sick. Body giving an alarm sign. After forcing myself to swallow expectorant and plenty of water. Knocked out and sleep like a pig and I do not know what the hell is going on and trying not to sleep with air-condition , finally flu reduced and fever subsided. I appreciate my friend who give me the idea of not to sleep with air-con. The worst part after awake from sleep, my face look like got punch by people and all the ache over my body. * stretch ~
Today is my 2nd night off, though I don't feel any much different with my usual day off. Finally after a week of battling with my work, I got the chance to rest. I feel the sunny day when I look out from my window, something I need to do and I would really like to start with my reading plan. I've not read for many days due to the reason of work load and my body can't cope with the stress and more.. *Don't look at the mirror and you'll not see your eyes and face oedema like a piece of bun or something terrible. I should spend more time for my baby since every day time when I'm sleeping he tries to seduce me and lick me for no reason.  Owh... dear chocolate. Let me shower you later. hehe... =)

Hey bloggie, Here I'm back again. Its been quite some time since I did not updated the blog~

Just came back from penang not long ago ,didn't really get to eat my favourite but somehow manage to eat the curry mee I've been craving for~ yea yea~~ After PD trip with girls,this is the 2nd time of trip with girls. Wonder whether is there 3rd time or not... =S Life is short, must enjoy till the max.

Friendship is very important to me , and here I wish friendship can be build stronger after every moment we've been through yet there is still much to change and improve. I'm looking forward and hopefully I can be the one that can be relied on. Correct my if I'm wrong, teach me if I don't know,tell me if  I hurt you. I promise that I will do the best as I can.

Fear

I went to the ward to pick up my pant.Talk to my colleague and walk down the stairs to the parking lot area. The area is dark and I walk quite fast. My car park at 1st floor and I pass by the 1st floor stairs, open the door thought of paying car park ticket and there is a big size guy who sitting on the stairs in the dark. Immediate I turn back my head and run and he is chasing me too. He is able to pull me back and bring out a knife. I shout for help and there is no one there. I told him I'll give my purse to him but I found out that I had leave it in the ward. Then he took his knife and cut of my shirt. I shout and no one can hear me. My heart palpitate as I'm having ventricular tachycardia... I shout and shout then I open my eyes. Its only 3 in the morning.
I pull my pillow near me and hold it tight.

Count down

I got addicted with the song written by Zee Avi, bitter heart.
Her voice is so clear and attractive. I love her video too.


Another night, I felt the emptiness inside me.
I've no idea why and trying to search a reason to fill up my question.
Still moving my step.
Did the right decision? I have no idea, let figure it out what happen next.
=/  Good night.

Rest day no.3

This morning woke up at the wrong side of the bed, terrible feeling in mood. After did some stretch up,heard some annoyed shouting from down stairs, I feel down down down again. Last night dream was really weird and tiring. Running away from fire caught and carrying my baby name Waynne. I have no idea where is all this come from but yeah, kinda like the idea name of Waynne. Can be consider in future if I have kid. Lucky to have one more rest day tomorrow, last week off day had postpone and replace for tomorrow. I can't wait to go back and work. Some way, I enjoy killing time at work than staying at home chilling. The latest target is to save more money in order to go another time of travelling by end of this year. Still doubt going to a foreign country and work. Maybe I'll drag till next year. I don't know. I'm confuse what I want for now moment. Maybe I should take up an English course to bust up my English and stop embarrassing myself in speaking and writing grammar mistake.What else more? Take too much of snack, and cause constipation as well become heavier and bigger size. Can't imagine If I can't fit in my jeans , I'll be definitely willing to chop off my flesh and swallow it.( If its help) Another week to become home slave . Mom went to travel, and only me left at home to do the house work and taking care of my dad's laundry. I can see the happiness from his face, during the mean time, he can travel other place to play his golf. Again , I'm home alone. I think I should use full of this time to enjoy myself. Gotta move my ass from the comfy chair. Move!!

Loves

Batwomen's Diaries.

Ooh... Early in the morning after my night, I'm still awake and feel fresh. Parents are not around for this coming few day. Another 2 night to go and I'll be set free and relax again. The only thing that comes to my mind after my work is get back home as soon as possible. For the sake, my baby boy is home alone. I miss him and I know he felt the same. Just about park my Jazzy, I heard his cry , and there he show how pathetic he is being alone. We are so alike , afraid of being alone. On my way home from hospital, I turn on the fm as usual and I heard '' Never had a dream come true'' from S Club 7. The lyrics sometimes make people reflex to our own, and this is what happened to me. Maybe is the side effect of half way dreaming or there is only reason I can create for myself - this is how I felt.


Every body's got something they had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering 
How it could be now or neither been
All this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go


Chorus


I never had a dream come true
Till that day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where love takes me to
A part of me will always be with you


Somewhere in my memory I lost all sense of time
And tomorrow can never be
'Cause yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it should be now or neither been (or neither been)
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go


Chorus


You'll always be the dream that fills my head
(Yes you will, say you will, you know you will, baby)
You'll always be the one I know (I'll never forget)
There's no use looking back or wondering (or wondering)
Because love is a strange and funny thing


No matter how I try and try
I just can't say goodbye
No no no no


Chorus


A part of me will always be with you...


So cheesy~ I love this song .
Remember the time that I've participate in the choir ,and sing at the stage there.
So damn long time ago, time flies but I can't remember many things anymore.


Sometimes, looking at the different point of view can really change how you look at the situation that happen.
And I realise , I've learn something new . The thoughts it count. =)
Thanks.

Happy Birthday Alvina Ho Siang Hung

HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY ALVINA HO
YOU ARE ''OLD'' NOW!!

At Pork Dickson's pasar malam...

Celebrate Gwynne's 21st Birthday

2010 at Agricultural Park.

This is the most ugliest photo that we took in year 2005 at school celebrating merdeka day,but its okay right now as I see how far we been through our friendship in 9 years... Cheers!

Happy Birthday my dear friend,and here I wish you all the best for your future and you know how much I do appreciate you and things that you've sacrifice for me,the most important when I really down you are there for me... I can feel the loves from you..haha!!*Blush Life is just like a roller coaster that it goes up and down and you have no idea what is going to happen in the next minute, just remember no matter how shit its going to happen in future , you will face the challenge and walk through the darkness. I will always be there for you when you need me, I'm sure you know its too.. Loves. =D

Here again,I wish you to found someone who care and love you. You deserve it!